Lasts Before Firsts

I'm feeling a little weighed down by all of the lasts, waiting until I can reach the firsts.  Last cross country meet, last cross country banquet, last Halloween before exchange, last homecoming dance, last high school football game, last family Thanksgiving (for the next 2 years), the list seems to build every day.  It can feel exhilarating at times, reminding me that I really am going on exchange, but it also serves to remind me how life will go on without me.  I normally focus on all the wonderful things I'll be experiencing next year, but there are things that I will miss out on back here in the states.  I know this year will be filled with lasts, but it's not that different to what I would be experiencing my senior year before I left for college.  Not too far away is the prospect of firsts.  Piles upon piles of firsts and that wonderful thought is what I hold onto for now whenever the ending gets me down.

I recently watched a really neat TEDTalk by a women, Brene Brown, on vulnerability and towards the end of the talk, she lets you in on one of the  most obvious parts of her research which is that you can't have happiness without sadness.  Without any reference point as to what bad feels like, you can't know what good feels like either.  When you numb the pain, you also inadvertently numb the joy.  I've decided that I need to live this idea out in my life, embracing the negative feelings so that I might have a greater appreciation of the beautiful side of life.  Now don't take this to mean that I want to feel sad or angry. Nobody wants that!  All I mean is that I hope to face these feelings head on and not try to hide from them, so that when the clouds part I may also look straight toward the sun and not be left hiding from the dark feelings.  So though I hold onto my future of exchange to remind me why I'm  subjecting myself to these feelings, I don't want it to completely distract me from everything I am experiencing and feeling today.

Can you tell I'm taking a philosophy class this year?? ^.^

To wrap this post up, I'd just like to add how thankful I am to have such a loving family, wonderful friends, and of course Rotary for awarding this exchange to me!  Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Mary